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[Wednesday
May 6th, 2009] |
everyone keeps fucking tagging me in that 25 things about you thing thats going around on facebook. i wasn't going to do it but this morning i was really bored and a little hungover and spent way longer than i should have thinking of 25 things about me. maybe now people will stop tagging me?
1. i put on my socks and shoes sock, shoe, sock, shoe instead of sock sock shoe shoe. i hate that i do it like that but i can't stop, so i guess if there's ever a fire i'll be in the street with one shoe on and one foot barefoot.
2. some of my best friends in the world i met on the internet.
3. my first concert was o.a.r. at newport when i was 16. i crowd surfed.
4. i love cooking and baking but only if i have someone to feed, i think it's a waste to cook for just myself.
5. i talk to my mom every day.
6. i thought ponderosa was a kind of car til i was 12.
7. i judge people with poor spelling and grammar, and i have a sticky note on my computer where i write down the worst ones, like "ockward" and "wonce." i also judge people that say "u" and "2" etc.
8. i don't like to be touched unless i know you really well, i get uncomfortable when someone i just met tries to hug me.
9. i LOVE scary movies!!
10. i want to get the tops of my feet tattooed because i think it looks pretty in heels, even though i only wear them maybe once a month.
11. i love comfort food and would eat macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes and stuffing every day if i could.
12. i hate talking on the phone, i much prefer texts. i get a mini panic attack everytime i need to call someone.
13. i "give up drinking" at least twice a month.
14. i have HORRIBLE taste in music. it embarrasses me.
15. im flat footed.
16. Someday, I'll be straightedge.
17. i have been vegetarian for two years and i do not "miss" meat so stop asking.
18. i dont like talking about religion, it makes me very, very uncomfortable when other people do.
19. i have excellent handwriting and i am sad i don't get to write things by hand more often. sometimes i make my boyfriend look at my rent check and admire my handwriting.
20. i always feel like i am not gracious enough or that my thank-yous are inadequate and i spend hours worrying that i've offended someone or that they think i'm ungrateful.
21. i hate running and i look really stupid doing it.
22. i wish i was more spontaneous and fun.
23. i want to live in australia someday.
24. i love my nickname "freckles"
25. sometimes i really miss cashiering at wild oats... i don't know what that says about me that i long to be a grocery store cashier, but for whatever reason, i do.
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| neglectful me. |
[Sunday
April 27th, 2008] |
damn... ive been neglecting my LJ :( ive been sooo busy lately with working and such. ive finally graduated beauty school and i go for state boards in june.
i got into being a consultant for passion parties 6 months ago... its going really well. i really love it. I like educating women about sex and their bodies and selling products that help in relationships (or lack or relationships! haha)
click to view my webpage and go shopping... or send me an email if youd like to do a party. Along with the usual girls parties, I do couples parties, straight, or gay... shawnaxlei@hotmail.com
anywho.... im turning 21 in 6 months!!! whooo... ill finally be a real grown up. im getting old.
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[Sunday
September 9th, 2007] |
Ive noticed something... Ill give you all a bit of insight to my twisted fucked up way of thinking. I dont care who reads this and who judges me. This is me, straight up, vulnerable... without a front and not trying to impress anyone. I feel sooo fake... so scared all the time. I dont have the control to not eat. My bulimia got soo bad a month ago. Puking AND peeing out blood. I need to quit purging. Thats not as easy as it sounds. I hate my doctor. I'll end up dying if I continue purging. I dunno why i do this... ive gained weight... not lost it.
With me, my eating is fine when im in control of everything around me. im in control at school, with friends, my family... everything was going good. i started eating "normally" meaning about 2000 cals a day. BIG mistake. i gained a few pounds, but i just shrugged it off... knowing that theres more than i can control than just my weight. Now, I lost control of everything. My sister tried to kill herself a few months ago, owning a house is stressful, school days drag on... The one thing I can control now is my eating, or lack there of...
Thank God I have this ugly fat body for which to focus on and hate and spend all my time trying to fix, change, lessen. Thank God for exercise machines, and diet pills. Thank God for weightloss. Thank God I can try and fix the outside because I just know that the inside is beyond repair.
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| im baaaaack |
[Saturday
September 1st, 2007] |
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havent been on LJ in a really long time... i think ill give this another whirl... so, an update on my life. Ive been with Jay for 2 years almost. I turned 20 in June. We just bought a house in Westbrook. Im going to beauty school and Im actually looking forward to growing up.
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| hmmm.... |
[Thursday
January 18th, 2007] |
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Dunkin Donuts is advertising their new white hot chocolate as "The closest thing to a hug from mom". Does this mean that my mother is pale and pasty and filled with high fructose corn syrup? I plan to ask her next time I see her.
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[Saturday
January 14th, 2006] |
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| me and carlos are too cool |
[Monday
December 26th, 2005] |
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this is how i spent my xmas night until 2 am.
RABiiD carebear: fa rizzle
RABiiD carebear: yo
buzzedonh2o: ...
buzzedonh2o: You're white.
RABiiD carebear: shhh
buzzedonh2o: No... you really are white
RABiiD carebear: pssh nigga puhlease
buzzedonh2o: No.... stop... you're white
RABiiD carebear: sometimes
buzzedonh2o: All the time.
buzzedonh2o: The only time you're "part black" is when a guy's feeling desperate.
RABiiD carebear: 
( yo yo nigga, what? )
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| xmas |
[Sunday
December 25th, 2005] |
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so... im a geek and took pics of my favorite presents i got.
( i heart santa )
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[Tuesday
December 20th, 2005] |
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I think to myself... What will become of me? Will I be an actress? A doctor? An astronaut perhaps? Or will I work in a little cube and call it my office? Will I follow my dreams and soar among my personal heroes? Or will I sit on my couch, on a Friday night, watching my inspirer on television?
In 25 years, will I remember all the laughs I had with my best friend? Every boy that ever touched my heart? Surely not... By then I will make new best friends and fill my mind with those. What will happen to my friends after highschool? Will I still keep in touch? Or will I rememebr them as "the one that took a picture with chad michael murray" or "the one that danced with a stop sign"?
Which stories of my childhood will I pass on to my kids, the next generation? How bout the time I snuck out of the house in the middle of summer to go to a lousy party that I got busted for anyway? Would that be useful? Or should I keep it inside and let them make their own decisions?
( me and the sista )
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| feeling fat |
[Monday
December 19th, 2005] |
im about to be really fucking emo right now... don't hold it against me.
I feel fat. and gross. Im trying to stick to weight watchers... but its sooo hard. Im also trying to get away from thinking negitively about how I look. I want to lose weight the "healthy," but im starting to slowly get back into my old habits... I ate an italian at Corey's last night and I wanted to go throw it up soooo bad, but didn't. Why is it that I'm CRAVING to do this again? It's gross and dangerous... but sometimes I don't care. Sometime I don't care if I die of a heart attack at age 18.
I don't understand why Im so depressed lately. Me and mom are getting along really well... even me and dad... well... he's been trying to stay in youch with me and talk with me. I try my hardest. Me and Kels are cool again... I have a really awesome boyfriend and im 6 weeks away from graduating.
I just dont feel like myself anymore. I feel like a big blob and I just want to shrink and disappear. I get so self conscience when people look at me... I always feel like they're judging me... ahhhh i need to quit bitching and get a life.
maybe ill get one for xmas.
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| xmas wishlist |
[Monday
December 12th, 2005] |
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Dear Santa,
I've put a lot of thought into it and I've come up with the conclusion that you and Michael Jackson. Are a lot alike. You are both old, white men who get a kick out of having little boys sit on your lap.
( Here is my Christmas List. )
 Always,
Shawna
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| untitled |
[Friday
December 9th, 2005] |
Separate, yet not alone.
Sad, yet she smiles.
You look at her, yet you don't see her.
You describe her as a happy, normal girl,
yet who she really is & how she really feels is the total opposite.
She molds herself each day, to who & what she believes
you want her to be.
When no one is around to hear or see,
She is frail, helpless, overwhelmed.....Human.
Horrid thoughts consume her.
She looks away,
a momment passes,
then she blames the cat.
Her cloack of deception departs for an instant.
You then recognize that this is too much to manage.
You shut your eyes
and walk away,
then lie to yourself.
Telling yourself that she is all right,
Knowing that inside, she is dying.
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| Proposal on Market Street |
[Friday
December 2nd, 2005] |
It's cold on Market Street
Eyes scan my legs
Stare in disbeleif at his proposal
If he stripped me down there
I wouldn't have felt more naked
Bare and sick I held his gaze
The most intense hatred for man
Flashbacks fill my mind
Spinning I turn away
And remember
There will always be a trigger
I see the pictures
Lie me face down
Feel the same pain
Take me back to Market Street
People wonder
People whisper
He's gone, I sigh
Still scared by the montage
Sickness I'll never forget
I wish he knew
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| hmmm |
[Friday
December 2nd, 2005] |
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so... i finally asked him what he thinks of me... he told me he think of me as his "girlfriend, but not a serious one"
really now, what does that mean? my friends had some insight. the results-
Wes: He wants all the sex with none of the commitment....from multiple non-serious girlfriends.
Mike: he's just making it very clear that he only wants you for a peice of ass, and nothing more. That way you don't assume you and him are going to be serious with eachother. He's only covering his own ass.
me:that wasnt the answer i wanted to hear. tell me lies. DAMMIT
Mike: he wants to be with you forever...he also told me that he's planning on asking you to marry him
me: lmao. shut up! i heart you. you make my day.
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| Dear Diary |
[Wednesday
November 16th, 2005] |
So... I like him. I think. I don't know how he feels about me though. I don't even know what we are! Are we friends with benefits? Are we more? does he care about me? Or does he think I'm just some nympho high schooler?
I feel so comfortable with him and he has such a good sence of humor. Am I just being an emotional teenager? Grr. I hate feeling like this. I just wanna know where we stand. If were just friends with benefits, I'd be cool with that and I wouldnt put any feelings into it. But i want more. Actually, I dont know what I want. I want a guy to respect me. Im so sick of being used by people. Im sick of being the fuck buddy. I wanna be the girlfriend with a guy I care about. I just give up. Im too picky. Ill never find the guy for me. But to Plan One; become a jewish nun.
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| gutter butter |
[Tuesday
October 11th, 2005] |
I can’t help but imagine us
twenty years from now
shuffling broken heels
down that same crusted block.
We’ll bite nicotine lips mumbling
to the drunken frat boys and tight
hipped girls,
“There is no love without charity…”
And we know this already.
We know it with our own
hip bones rising to break skin,
our gutter-butter gold and promise-
Sneering bottles of pills.
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